Unpacking Baggage

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." James 5:16

A couple weeks ago this verse came back on the front burner of my mind through a sermon. And I just held onto it. Not like I could get rid of it if I tried anyway. I kept meditating on this passage in my head and felt very convicted.
I needed to confess my sins aloud to someone else. 

It's one thing for me to acknowledge my sins in my heart and ask God to forgive me and keep pushing. It's another to lay them on the table to someone else, saying "Look, I'm a screw up. And I keep falling back into this continual sin pattern in this area and this area. Please pray for me that I would be able to resist temptation and that I would seek healthy alternatives. Please keep me accountable for the sake of my relationship with Christ."

So it took a week or so but I was finally able to sit down with one of my sisters in Christ, one of my best friends, one of the most amazing women I know. And as we sat in Denny's I was able to pour out of all of the burdens I was holding onto. I was putting up a front to try and get through each passing day and week. I was weak and tired and ready to throw in the towel in a few areas of life. And as I just poured out my heart, I said some things I had been thinking for years but had never, ever said out loud. And saying them out loud almost made me cry...

I was telling a story of my past where a random stranger in Chicago had turned and said "You have a beautiful face." and kept walking. At the time I had FREAKED OUT!! And all of my friends teased me from then on about it. But for me that was one of the hardest things I had ever experienced. And when telling the story I said the one thing I was the most afraid of. I think it's what made the whole encounter the scariest thing for me:

"It's hard for me to comprehend that other people think I am more beautiful than I think I am."
[This is where a light bulb almost literally went off in my head and I could feel myself starting to choke up]

And taken out of context that can sound incredibly vain, but I think part of my self-esteem and body image issues are related to this. How can other people think I am beautiful if I don't even think I am? Is that even possible? I think it's one of the hardest things in my relationship with God as well. If I don't think I am beautiful, how does God think I am beautiful? I mean I know I am His creation and I am created in His image so it's actually hurtful to God that I don't think I am beautiful. How can a pot say to the Potter, "I am ugly!! How could you make me like this!? No one is going to love me or want me!!"

[And this is the part of the post where I stop to weep because I'm listening to "How He Loves"  by David Crowder Band and then "Amazing (Because It Is)" by The Almost]

I think this is where my lifelong struggle to figure out what love is comes into play. It's hard for me to love myself, how could anyone else love me? How could God love me when I fail Him daily, hourly?

Spending that time with my beloved and blessed sister in Christ for over 3 hrs at Denny's confessing and praying was much needed and it opened up some baggage I had been in denial about for awhile. Continue to pray for me as I look through everything in the trunk and process it all and lay it at the foot of the cross.