This is my Story, This is my Song

I've heard again and again that your story can be the most powerful evangelical tool. I don't know if that's true or not, but either way, there's a lot of people out there who know me, but don't know me... and I've recently felt compelled to write out my story in a public format... and now have the time to do so where i'm not actually procrastinating from anything (except sleep). So, without further ado, this is my story...

My story begins like any other typical Grace College student: I grew up in a Christian home to two loving, dedicated Christian parents. I accepted Christ as my Saviour when I was 8 years old and baptized not long after. I can't say that my life really changed. I only raised my hand and did the whole song and dance because that's what all the other kids were doing. I don't think I really knew what I was doing/had done until a while after that. I mean I grew up in church so of course I knew all the right answers. I can't say I ever did anything as a kid to prove I wasn't a Christian. I loved going to church, I had plenty of friends, I was involved in church.

In 7th grade, my parents pulled me out of the public school system due to poor administration in the middle school and a poor 6th grade experience for me and put me in a Christian school for two years. During these two years I learned a lot about the Bible and my faith and I had some pretty good role models in the high schoolers and the teachers. I was also pretty sheltered during that time. I mean, not completely sheltered, but I mean I definitely had culture shock after I left (which I will get to later). I got to spend 2 years in school with my best friend (Aleasha) and still stay involved in my church youth group. It was pretty awesome despite all the petty middle school girl drama. Gotta love it...

So I ended up back in the public schools beginning in 9th grade because it was just too darn expensive to stay in the Christian school. We were all splitting up because the rise in tuition and it was the best for all of us really. It was pretty much a total culture shock going from a Christian school, class of 50, to public high school class of 400. On my first day of high school, I saw some guys pants drop to his ankles, clearly not Christian school appropriate. I knew some kids there just from growing up in the district but I could probably count them on one hand in fact out of 1700. But all through my high school career I was dedicated to my youth group. It was my safety. It was my home away from home. It could also probably be called my family. I did like everything offered through my church. But there was always something else...

My freshman year brought many unexpected challenges and surprises. I watched kids get high on spray cough syrup, experienced my first drug dog search, took a swim class (ugh), and had my first relationship. It started at youth group when I thought one of the boys had a crush on me. At first I didn't know how I felt about him or the whole thing but I was totally flattered and enamored with the fact someone thought I was attractive in any sense of the term. You see, growing up, I was four-eyes, the fat kid, the kid with acne, the kids with braces, the kid with terrible fashion sense, etc. So having someone interested in me was pretty much a HUGE deal. And so when the day approached when I confronted him all the whole liking me issue and he admitted that maybe he liked me, I shyly replied that I may like him back... and that was the end of it for awhile. But really we wrote notes back and forth about all kinds of things. I may have put perfume on one of them... ashamedly I admit that... But I was like 13... anyways... Things become a little blurry from there. Mostly because he started actually pursuing a relationship with someone else. Who also happened to be in our youth group. Who was one of my bffs at the time. Who told me everything about their relationship. So I bit my tongue in agony for awhile. Until their parents had had enough and broke them up permanently...

And so then into my sophomore year it was my turn. I finally had him all to myself. But this is what happened: we became friends with benefits. We would sneak around and nothing but a purely physical relationship. He told me he didn't want to date me. I thought it meant at the moment... I mean I was writing my married name down as if we were getting married in the next couple of years. And it was times spent at his house, sleepovers with his sister, which led to a serious problem. Boundaries which had once been so black and white became grey. What was expected of me as a Christian in a relationship went out the window. And the one person I felt comfortable to confide in about this relationship judged me instead of helping me. It probably didn't help that I didn't want help. I was on cloud 9 because we were eventually going to date, right? During this year, we weren't steady. We were off and on. And I was off and on. January 15, I tried to commit suicide. I had been contemplating it for a long time, but hadn't told anyone. I had a terribly low self-esteem and self-concept. That gray day, I took a bottle of tylenol and water into my room, wrote out a nice long note and laid in bed to drink myself into a deep sleep. I ended up only taking 8 pills when something (I can only assume God) just really told me I needed to stop. That this was not the answer to all my problems. And I broke down because I knew it was true. I walked downstairs and I sat down next to my mom who was laying on the couch and I told her what had just happened. I remember her listening closely as I talked to her and her offering to take me to see a counselor. I said no, but from that day on I was never the same. I had experienced God in a way that I never had before and never have to this day. I know He saved my life that day...

And so junior year rolled around. The summer had brought doubts to my mind. Sneaking around had become less as I had noticed his interest in another girl. Another one of his sisters friends. And I got suspicious. But I still had hope. And then the day came where, in a note I do believe, he finally broke it off with me. After messing around on and off since my freshman year he broke it off. And I was devastated. I was torn apart. I watched as he actually dated this other girl and I was nothing anymore. I had in the meantime acquired great friends through my youth group and had started spending most of my free time with them. I started college hunting and trying to decide what I was going to do with my life. But that relationship was broken. And I was left to pick up the pieces. And so he graduated. And maybe made my life a little easier. I got to go to Nothern Ireland (and of course he did too... go figure) but luckily we didn't end up on the same teams. And I got to learn so much about myself and God and others. It definitely was a turning point in my life and an experience I'll never forget.

Around the time for my senior year, I came out and started telling people about what had happened. I told the 3 people I knew it was going to some of the hardest to tell: His sister (who was one of my best friends), his mom (who was my mentor), and my youth pastor (who I've pretty much held on a pedestal since he started working at our church). His sister and mom I told at the same time and I literally felt a weight lift off my shoulders as they just supported me 100% and didn't even think of me any less. My youth pastor was all like "Ya I knew the whole time." I was stunned. At first I was really confused as to why he didn't call me out. But as I thought about it, I knew it wouldn't have made a difference. But I was so grateful that he didn't judge me, but only was there to help me through the aftermath. My youth pastor helped shape me to the person I am today, and helped point me in the right direction. Heck, if it wouldn't had been for him taking us to visit all these Christian colleges, I wouldn't have ended up at Grace! And this is where the story gets good...

I ended up in Winona Lake, IN only by God's provision. I didn't know anyone at Grace, which was totally out of my comfort zone, but God had provided and opened doors here. I was going ot major in Counseling and was totally ready academically. But God had totally done a number on my heart since being here. Fall of my freshman year I truly learned about forgiveness and decided to forgive the boy who had broken my heart so badly in high school. I had grown emotionally attached and that attachment lingered in the form of hatred and brokenness. I had to forgive him to grow and become more spiritually mature. I got to experience the forgiveness Christ offers through that act. I learned what it's like to have friends like family and lose them.... and then get some more family that were stronger than anything I had previously experience, including my own family. I got to lead small groups of girls on my halls 2 years in a row, which taught me so much about myself, God, and others. I took some awesome bible classes, which taught me the more I learn the more I learn I don't know, which is totally normal and ok, no matter how inferior I feel. I've gotten to lead a hall as an RA and totally be unprepared for the things God was going to throw at me, only to teach me to rely on Him more. I got to travel to South Korea to learn about myself and others. I learned all about how I'm an ISFJ, C, KVA, Quality Time/Physical Touch personality. I got to step outside the Grace "bubble" with my internship at the Beaman Home. I got my ears pierced, twice. I learned what it's like to lose people you love and was reminded of my mighty God who is always on His throne and in control, even when life is confusing and seems like mass chaos. And I am ever grateful. I left my home church and settled into a new church where I felt more at home, more comfortable, and learned so much. I've experienced so much joy since starting at this church it may be a bit ridiculous to some people, but I know God was totally working in me. I got to express my lack of healthy relationship with men growing up, as my relationship with my dad became virtually non-existant when I hit puberty and never really changed. It has grown a little bit since being at college, but mostly because I had the chance to speak my mind in a letter telling my dad how I really feel about him and our relationship and how much he hurt me growing up. I never got to hear an apology or any response. I don't even know if he read the letter. But it felt good to get it all out on paper.

I was poured into by some of the greatest people I've ever met. I was pushed and challenged and taught to be a better me. I had people to listen to me and offer great advice and guide me in the paths of righeousness. I also had the opportunity to offer some of these same experiences to other people.

You see, being a Christian isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It's not smiling faces all the time and being "perfect." I'm obviously not perfect. Never have been, never will be. I've made a choice to follow God's commands and the rules of Grace College (even when some of them annoy me). I've made a choice to be obedient and rely on Him because I know only good things will come of it, even when I can't see them right away. I know His love is perfect and is all I need right now, no matter how hard it is to experience the single life (especially at Grace! sheesh...). I know He has a beautiful plan for my life, even if I don't see it or understand it. It's good to know that I don't have to be control of my life, no matter how hard it is to let go of the reigns. I know what happens behind closed doors at Grace; I'm not stupid. It hurts me when the people who chose to do those things, get mad for getting in trouble. It's not a rule to hurt you, but only to assist you in godliness. If you don't like the rules, then how can you be satisfied with your life?

This is my story, this is my song.
Praising my Saviour all the day long!
This is my story, this is my song.
Praising my Saviour all the day long!