not

Hmmm seems I haven't updated in a while... Welp, it should be said that I've been working 40 hours a week which is pretty exhausting trying to learn everything and all.

I've been struggling a lot though. I LOVE my job... the problem is I don't love anything else about my life right now. I apparently had an unrealistic, unknown expectation (why do I always have these!? geez.... ) that this would be just like summertimes at home or just as joyful as being at Grace. But it's neither. I'm incredibly grateful that my parents have allowed for me to live at home and not pay rent or anything and I'm grateful for all the ways they have provided for me. I've just been reminded about how unhealthy this environment is for me. It really brings me down and I get angry so quickly here. It probably doesn't help that I only see my coworkers and family right now. Not that living on my own would be much better seeing as how all I would see would be my coworkers and my family occasionally... It just sucks. I hate not being involved anywhere. And I just can't figure out what to do about that. I don't know if I need to go church hunting or try and squeeze in somewhere I'm at.

I hate not being able to share all the important things and times in my life with the all my Grace friends. My heart aches when I think about them. Honestly, they are more important to me than my family in many aspects. No matter how far away they are, no matter wha things we go through, they've been around for my growing up and they know me so much better than many people here do. They get me. I don't have to worry about being someone or something I'm not. I have no expectations to live up to. I shouldn't feel like that in someplace I call "home." I was thinking today and I realized Winona Lake was more home than Michigan has ever been for me. Which tears at me so much more because I do love my job. And I know God has me there for a reason (not a coincidence) and I'm just so unhappy, distant from God, and lonely.

I need to make friends. I have barely any here and I never get to see them especially with all of our busy schedules (plus the holidays are coming up...). I can't stand being by myself all the time. Plus once I start working 2-10 pm M-F in January, I'm really not gonna see my family. Or anyone for that matter. So my loneliness factor is going to increase. I know I should never feel lonely and that all my joy, contentment, etc should lie in Christ. But there's just this thing about being physically alone where I just need people now. A major change from how I used to be in high school.

I don't know how to do this. I feel so stunted and inhibited. I wasn't prepared for the "real world." Is there any preparation, I mean realistically? Maybe these are all immature questions. Maybe I know all the answers already. Maybe I already know what needs to happen. Maybe I'm just scared. Maybe I don't want anything to change.