Do You Think I'm Beautiful?

Most of my posts recently have been inspired by my Kairos group. But really, that's where God is moving in my life. So bear with me as I share yet another post about how AWESOME God is and how He is moving.

So we're reading this book called "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" by Angela Thomas. And, yes, it's exactly what you think: an emotional, girly book. I know some women who scoff at these books and think this type of book is too shallow, etc, etc blahblahblah. But I like this kind of book. I need this kind of book. Because shallow stuff is where I always get stuck. I can't even get to understand the deep stuff because I always end up back at the shallow stuff. Sometimes I can't get over my self-consciousness that has plagued my life since I was young. And we can all point our fingers at the media, but ultimately it comes down to my relationship with God. Which is what Thomas points out in this book. I am the wallflower that has been asked to dance by God. And He loves with me with this overpowering love that will never stop. And He thinks I'm beautiful. And not just that but He's ENTHRALLED by my beauty.

And you may be just sitting there and in the back of your head thinking, Uh... duh... And don't get me wrong, my head says that too. But my heart has such a hard time grasping that. I have this ultimate fear of rejection and having been rejected by some important men in my life has put me on guard. And my defense is so strong that it sometimes defends too well: it starts to guard God from my heart. An image from a movie that comes to my mind is from the movie The Perfect Man (a little ironic, don't you think??).

Adam draws this picture for Holly depicting how he sees her. She puts up guards against everyone so she can't be hurt. She won't let anyone close enough to hurt her. She gets really emotional about the drawing that she misses what's on the back...

Even though she has her guard up, he promises he'll never leave her. And that's what God does. Even though I push Him away and send out the troops sometimes He still reaches for me and pursues and fights for me. To quote the book

"I have acted like I'm all alone, but the truth is I will never be. When my prayers are weak, God is listening. When my words are rote, God is listening. When my heart is dry, amazingly God is still listening."

 When I have pushed everyone away, when I feel like no one even wants to get close to fight for me, Jesus fought the ultimate fight, bore the ultimate pain for me. Nothing on this earth will ever compare to that. We can get tastes of God's love through different people, but nothing will ever compare to the sweet love that only He can give us. And it just consumes and overwhelms and blows me away again. 

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,  may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  (Ephesians 3:17b-19)

And as I sat in the comfort of my Kairos group and we all took turns sharing what impacted us from the book and I listened at these other women spoke the words my heart felt, I knew once again that God has brought us together for this season. And they don't think the book is dumb. I got pretty choked up reading the first chapter, but I just so happened to be eating lunch at Panera Bread so I tried to gather my composure because I also had to go to work. And I was nervous that no one else had been impacted by the book like that. And when I shared that I had cried, and then someone else shared that too... that...

That was God. 

That was God saying "You are not alone." 

That was God saying "I love you." 

That was God saying "I think you are breath-taking. You're beauty never ceases to amaze Me. I made you with the greatest care because I love you more than you can fathom, even when you push me away and put your guard up. You are precious to me and nothing could ever snatch you from My hand."