To say I had a meltdown the other night would be an understatement. I've done pretty good being home and being unemployed to stay busy and productive. I visited Grace for a few days 2 weeks ago which was bittersweet. It was sooooooooooo good to see my friends and reconnect with people at Grace who have been so influential in my life. I had some lifegiving conversations that I miss dearly. It was also weird being back on campus and not being a part of campus. Plus it's weird to see someone I knew as a kid going to Grace. But I live vicariously through this person via Facebook. Pathetic, but I'm curious...
I've been applying for more jobs and praying like mad about it all. I feel just as clear on my calling as I did 4 years go. Which was not so clear. My prayer for this job hunt has turned into "God, use me!" I've tried being content with God's timing knowing that He is faithful and will provide. It helps sort of right now as I'm reading "Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret" because if anyone trusted and believed and SAW God's faithfulness and provision it was him. But the other night I was just incredibly discouraged after condescending conversations I've had with people recently. I just burst out in tears and cried out to God. I feel as though He is so far away right now. And I know He really isn't far away. Intellectually I know He is always with me and comforting me and He has marvelous plans for me. I've heard it all since I was a kid. But putting it all into practice and really believing it in my heart is a whole different story. As I'm sure it is for many people. I'm trying so hard to figure God out and I'm coming up fruitless. I'm trying to buy my time waiting to get a call back from a job application but my time alone is eating me alive. I've had so much time spent with friends since being back, but nothing can take the place of a job. I'm desperate! (NOT desperate enough to go back to Meijer though... Just for the record...)
I've been de pack ratting my room to prepare for a potential move in my future. Tonight and this week have reinforced my need to get out. Not that I don't love my family and all but I just can't stand living under someone elses jurisdiction since I have felt what it's like to live under my own. And I mean I like having people around and all, but there's just something about living on your own/with roommates as opposed to living with family. Plus it's not really a heart healthy environment since I've matured. And let's put all the cards out on the table: EVERY family is dysfunctional. I know it!! But I need to transition. Into live as an adult. I can't keep mooching off my family forever.
Last week a Grace student was killed and another was left critically injured in a freak accident. They were laying in a hammock and a tree collapsed on her killing her instantly and she fell onto the boy's neck which didn't break but moved around his spinal cord and vertabrae leaving him paralyzed. He was airlifted to Ft. Wayne and has been there since last week. He's slowly gaining back feeling (as of today he has feeling 4 inches below his right shoulder. However, he is unable to breathe on his own, which he needs to be able to do in order to go through rehab. and obviously breathing on your own is really important! Being part of the Grace community but being so far away through this all has been hard. I've had some texts passed on to me from his friends but his family has also set up a Caring Bridge site and their own website. I didn't know the girl who was killed as she was a freshman but I know who the boy is and know people who are friends with him. It's scary since this is 4 years exactly after one of my freshman classmates was killed in a car accident. We don't understand exactly why God takes people away from us, especially ones so young, but God numbers our days and He has great and marvelous plans for us. We are His instruments and when His work has been accomplished through us He has every right to whisk us away to sit and worship at His feet.
Nothing could have prepared me for this. Nothing. But I know I will come away from this a stronger, better person. I just have to get to the other side...
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