Open Eyes

 SO...

1) It should be obvious that I'm counting down the days till I go home. 12 days. 14 until my surgery. Adam and Kristen leave for Haiti tomorrow (!!!) and I'll get to try out being a single mom for 9 days. Lord help us all. Pray for me if you think about it. I'm not ready to be a single mom. I'm 21... I have so much life I want to live!!! But for reals... Nannying has reminded me of how much I want to do in my life before I have a family to think of, especially children. I mean, a husband couldn't be THAT big of a ball-and-chain though... right..?? I think I'm ok still waiting a few years though... Although a boyfriend on the other hand.... oh never mind...

2) I feel like I'm stuck in neutral in this transition phase of my life. Not only am I in the transition from College to Real World but also from Midwest to SoCal... which is quite a combination, especially alone. And I know I'm not completely alone, but I mean I'm lonely. I don't have my people here who I can talk to about anything and everything. And so I live everyday empty and zombie like, stuck in this transitional phase that feels like it's never going to end. And I know it will. But I just wish everyday would go by faster. I know I shouldn't wish that but I want this next chapter to begin. I want to do something dramatic with my life... And I just feel like I can't do that where I'm at...

3) So I was thinking the other day while I've been frantically job and apt hunting (which by the way: I don't want to do either of these often so whatever happens I hope to be there for awhile cuz this reallllyyyy sucks!!) and just through conversations I've had about what my life is really going to look like. I got it off my chest my thoughts about being here to some really important people and that was really good, but future looked just as foggy as before. And of course it totally hit me in one of my searches and I journaled about it the other day in my hand written journal (from Thailand!! thanks Christine [Miller] Foote!!) that I've lost sight of my passions. Since being here and preparing for here everything revolved around California. And what connections I have. A desperate cry for anything my mind thought my heart wanted and would like. And I was reminded of everything i spewed all this last semester: I want to work with kids/teens who have been sexually abused. That's why I wrote the senior thesis I did. That's what I said on every Clinical Psych field trip. And to this day that's what I want to do. I think last semester I spent it thinking of all the ways I could just jump to that goal without going through all of the needed (and some required) steps it takes to get there. It's like playing a board game and wanting to jump ahead 5 spaces but in those 5 spaces are some required things to pick up like money and special cards. And gosh darnit, why did I have to come all the way out here to learn all this. Why did my big fat pride and head get in the way of my God given passions and talents!?

4) Then last night in bed my mind was racing and this thought popped into my head in regards to my rekindled passions: What if this long process of learning about love isn't just for my own benefit, but so I can share it with these kids I want to minister to? Holy freaking crap. Mind blowing. Well maybe not to you, dear reader, but to me... man... I was blown of the water. Partially in amazement at how God's big plan is coming together but the fact that I could be used. To do something greater than myself. At so many other things. And it's so comforting to know that my passions and desires could come true. That these aren't just dreams in my head that never come true, but something that is entirely plausible.

And so to that end, I'm dedicating my job search, my career search, my life's purpose search with these goals in mind. I want to change some girl's broken life. I want to make her new through the power of Jesus. I want to move mountains so she can truly experience the love of Christ. I want to touch someone's life and give them worth and belonging, more than anyone has ever given to them because when I was there that's all I wanted. When I was a teenager I wanted to be loved. I wanted worth and purpose and belonging. I wanted to be made whole. I struggled so much and looked in all the wrong places. I want to be the road map for someone else because I didn't have one. Because God has so much to offer people, especially broken young girls. Reconciliation. What a sweet, sweet word I too often forget. Christians too often forget. And yet that's what people need. Yes, everyone needs forgiveness, and love, and mercy. But reconciliation. Man... soo good.

So here's to a renewal of passions.

To love.

To God's will.

To reconciliation.