Lately (mostly today) I've felt uber discouraged. I really don't know why. I mean I know I'm worried about what's happening for the fall, but I mean so many things have been revealed to me and I'm not sure how to process all of it really I guess... It's not bad really... I can't put it down here yet until the proper people want it known. Buttttt I got a call today that I thought would be an awesome job lead, however, after a few questions and we discussed how I'm in CA for the summer and won't be back til the end of Sept, they told me they can't hold a position for that long for me and to call back in Sept.
Boosh.
This job wasn't even one that I really truly wanted, but since it was the first job lead it punched me in the stomach. (aside from the fact also that they called me at 7:45 am CA time...)
But today i picked up "The Holiness of God" by RC Sproul. I had started it about a month or so ago and put it down for awhile because honestly I was at a place where I just couldn't read it. I couldn't take in all the theological concepts that I knew they were so rich and encouraging. Soooo.... I started reading today and man was I encouraged. Sproul was talking about God's justice and mercy and grace in relation to His holiness... let me go get the book because I could quote that chapter all day long...
Ok here are some grea quotes from the Holy Justice chapter:
"It was the God who destroyed the world by a flood who pours the waters of His grace out to us."
"Grace no longer amazes us. We have grown used to it; we take it for granted."
"That I am drawing breath this morning is an act of divine mercy. God owes me nothing. I owe Him everything." (< my fave!!)
"The injustices we suffer are all of a horizontal sort. They happen between actors in this world. Yet standin gover and above this world is the Great Judge of all. My relationship to Him is vertical. In terms of that vertical relationship I never suffer an injustice. Though people may mistreat me, God never does. That God allows a human being to treat me unjustly is an act of God. While I may complain to God about the human, horizontal injustice I have suffered, I cannot rise up and accuse God of committing a certical injustice by allowing the human injustice to befall me. God would be perfectly just to allow me to be thrown in prison for life for a crime I didn't commit. I may be innocent before other people, but I am guilty before God."
I mean you may not be able to understand the powers of these words because you don't understand the context or you may just not understand God. But man this totally spoke to me today. And it really brought to mind my trust issues. I think it's no secret that I have issues trusting most people. And even God sometimes. Mostly because I'm a control freak. I would like things to work out the way I want them to work out when I want it to. Which obviously cannot happen. The Creator of the universe, the Lover of my soul is in control. But the more I try to pull in the reigns, the harder my life becomes. And I remember once again who controls all the winds and waves and rejoices over me with singing. And I bow on my knees again and praise Him that He is in control and knows what's best for me because I most certainly screw things up.
All this to sayyyyyyy....
I think I need a fresh start. I think I need to move somewhere where no one knows me. Where I can start at a job where I can make friends and speak life giving truth into clients and co-workers. To get involved in a church where I can grow and pour into others. I want to go somewhere though where I can just go visit friends or family on a weekend. (I know, difficult... and point to above paragraph about control...)
Now, I don't know what this looks like or where I would go, but I had this laid on my heart in the last couple of weeks and man it's just burning there like it's something I really need to do. I just do know what to do with it, except fervently pray about it. I don't even know if I'm supposed to keep job hunting/filling out apps/apt hunting if I don't know if my best laid plans were to go back to Warsaw.
And I'm really excited to go home tomorrow... :D
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