Coming out here I think I had more expectations than I was willing to admit to. Mostly because I think I didn't want to think that I had any expectations. But I did... which of course always hurt you more than not having any at all. The past six months all I could think about was Cali: what it would be like, the gorgeous weather, all the fun things we could do, meeting awesome people, getting a permanent job, etc. I was soooo sure that God was calling me out here. Possibly permanently, as I would tell people, secretly thinking it my head "I'm going to end up out there and it's going to be glorious!" As I've settled down into a routine and life here in San Diego I've discovered a lot of my expectations and that a lot of that is what I wanted. Not God. And while I'm still sure that He called me out here, I don't know if He's leaving me here past summer. I've sure met some great people and seen the awesome ways God is working in City Heights, through Harbor Church, the charter school project, and so many other places. He has opened up my eyes for sure! I know this all seems like a pretty premature conclusion to make. I mean, I've only been here for 26 days. What can I know in that time?? Trust me, I've already talked this out with some people, like my mom, who have encouraged me to think and pray about this. And everyday I've burdened with people asking me what I'm doing here, what I want to do with my life, what opportunities are available for someone like me. And everyday I ask myself those same questions.
What am I doing here? Where does God want me? What career path do I want to pursue? Where can I best used my God given talents and passions? What opportunities can I take full advantage of? Who can I connect with?But I also spend hours everyday, alone, wondering if this really is it. I have no friends here to call my own. I mean, sure I've met plenty of awesome people, but none that I could call my friends. No one my age to understand what I'm going through, to connect with on an intimate level. No way to make the connections that I truly desire. And everyday I wonder if I could do this long term. Can I stand to do this for a couple more months past Labor day? The difference between here and Grace was that I was literally SURROUNDED by people in the same place as me. All longing for community, if they weren't forced to be in it already. But I always had people around and had a venue (for lack of a better term) to make the friends. And here I have nothing to call my own. No way to make something my own. And I'm not going to sit around crying and complaining about it. Nor am I going to force this family to give up their lives to cater to mine. That's not why I'm here. I'm trying and have tried to have an open heart and mind to what God is teaching me here. To see what He wants me to see. To hear what He wants me to hear. And everyday I'm seeing and hearing what He's doing here and around the globe, and wondering if He wants me somewhere else.
I've still got lots of time here. In fact the kids don't even get out of school until July 15! (They go to a year round charter school) Adam and Kristen leave for Haiti on July 17 so I'll be on full time nanny duty from then until they get back the next week. And then July 28 I actually fly home to have my implant surgery on the 30th (yayyyyyyyyyyy!!!!) And then I fly back here August 6 to finish out the summer nannying thing. The kids go back to school the day after Labor Day if I saw correctly on their school calendar. By then hopefully I will know what exactly I'm going to do after that. Or else I'm screwed. Basically if by then nothing here has changed, especially employment wise, I have to go back East because I can't afford to live out here unemployed.
So if you think about this or me, or perhaps you are a random person who happened up this blog, pray for me. Pray for wisdom and guidance for what I should do next. Pray for a softened heart for what God has for me here. Pray for strength and sanity to manage two crazy kids all summer, especially the 9 or so days I'll have them by myself. Pray for the work God is doing here in the College/City Heights area of San Diego. There are awesome ministries going on here with awesome people involved. Pray that they would continue to seek Him in all of their pursuits and that would be able to share the Love of Christ with the broken people here.
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